A car full of chavs with an airhorn, and an internet connection that's on the fritz. A sort of homecoming indeed.
Despite this, and the fact that my coach was delayed an hour, I got home yesterday evening in a reasonably good mood, if a little cold. The reason? On the coach home I had an epiphany, up until that point I was feeling about as down as is possible without falling through the floor, despite getting a new dog (in addition to the old one!) several things happened that managed to tick me off, majorly.
First of all was being emailed by one of my tutors, being told I had a whole project due in tomorrow (today). With 2 hours until my coach left I had to rush through it after a mild panic-attack, so it's not going to be amazing if anything. Will be surprised if I get anything more than a 2-2. Frankly I don't much care, I don't think I'll be here much longer if I can act on my epiphany and get support from my parents.
One last thing I mentioned previously, before I go on to explain my epiphany, Jake. Jake is our new three-legged Jack Russell-Whippet cross who we got from the rescue center on Saturday. He's missing his right front leg, we think from a car accident, but it doesn't seem to slow him down in any way shape or form; quite the opposite, he finds running easier than walking. He also really enjoys playing with a squeaky ball, and has a habit of dropping it at your foot, nudging it towards you and giving you the puppy dog eyes; until you have no choice but to throw or kick the ball for him to fetch. And then you're hooked.
Now, for the epiphany. For many people this will probably come way out of left field, as the Americans say, but I really, honestly believe that I want to teach English. Odd though it sounds, when I thought about it it's actually a very rewarding activity. What's more rewarding than teaching other people and having them share in your enthusiasm for something? And even if by the end of the English degree I don't want to be a teacher anymore, I still have a degree. That's a lot better than dropping out and getting a lousy 9-5 job, though that's going to be the next step in the meantime. Don't think I could motivate myself to go back to my Journalism course and stick with it.
So for some this epiphany will be a bad thing, as it's made up my mind about scrapping my Journo course quite early; well, very early since I only just got back here.
But to others this will be a good thing, it'll be people seeing me know exactly what I want to do now instead of just dropping out because I don't like the course, but with no real idea of what I'd do.
Regardless, only time will tell how this all turns out. I can see this week is going to be key in the next few years of my life. Let's just see how it goes, shall we?
Monday 9 November 2009
Tuesday 27 October 2009
Let's Make Believe...
'Words like violence, break the silence; come crashing in, into my little world...'
Apologies for the delay in posting, the last half a week has been very busy, well, not busy as such; more eventful than anything.
Since my last post I appear to have come down with oesophogitis, meaning that I find myself short of breath and suffer chest pain whenever I try to consume liquids or solids. I spent 4 hours of Sunday in accident and emergency, being tested for heart problems, blood clots and the like. All the tests came up negative so the only thing that the doctor could think that it was was said oesophogitis. Though far from pleasant, it was the better alternative (other possibilities were a popped lung, pancreatitis or a heart attack) so I can count myself lucky on one count. On the other hand, there is no drugs for it; I was told that I was to avoid alchohol, non-basic foods and to take only paracetamol (as ibuprofen and other such painkillers are inflamatory, which is the last thing I need with a restricted windpipe) and to wait a few weeks and hopefully it'll go away.
As such, I missed my coach on the Sunday and am still home, which brings me on to my other major point: I'm essentially a University drop-out now.
I've spent the last couple of days looking at jobs in the newspaper and online, while at the same time looking at courses at ARU (Anglia Ruskin University, my local Uni) to take next school year. While getting a job in these hard times is going to be a trial, it's still a better alternative than dragging myself out of bed each day to University classes that can only be best described as "basic". I've been told that I could stick with it for three years and end up with a good, high degere at the end of it, but, I feel, at the cost of my little remaining sanity and strangely enough some of my brain cells. There is an elementary difference between easy, and downright boring.
So as such I am thinking through my options. I can transfer course at Southampton, drop out and get a job and look at different Uni's around the country again, or get a job and go to ARU. Over the next few days my aim is to have decided which of these three options I am going to go with.
Finally I must mention Ted's party on Saturday, which was a lot of fun. I just wish I had been able to eat more. Though stressful for my parents and Brenda, I'm sure everyone had a lot of fun as we usually do with these kinds of parties. And Kelly even had friends over later in the evening to save her from socialising with the older people as I had to. My dropping out and Uni course was the hot topic, but luckily I was in a very talkative mood given that my time at University is void of intelligent conversation; so that when I'm home I seem to crave it, which is dead unusual for me.
'Always look on the bright side of life, always look on the light side of life.'
-Ross
Apologies for the delay in posting, the last half a week has been very busy, well, not busy as such; more eventful than anything.
Since my last post I appear to have come down with oesophogitis, meaning that I find myself short of breath and suffer chest pain whenever I try to consume liquids or solids. I spent 4 hours of Sunday in accident and emergency, being tested for heart problems, blood clots and the like. All the tests came up negative so the only thing that the doctor could think that it was was said oesophogitis. Though far from pleasant, it was the better alternative (other possibilities were a popped lung, pancreatitis or a heart attack) so I can count myself lucky on one count. On the other hand, there is no drugs for it; I was told that I was to avoid alchohol, non-basic foods and to take only paracetamol (as ibuprofen and other such painkillers are inflamatory, which is the last thing I need with a restricted windpipe) and to wait a few weeks and hopefully it'll go away.
As such, I missed my coach on the Sunday and am still home, which brings me on to my other major point: I'm essentially a University drop-out now.
I've spent the last couple of days looking at jobs in the newspaper and online, while at the same time looking at courses at ARU (Anglia Ruskin University, my local Uni) to take next school year. While getting a job in these hard times is going to be a trial, it's still a better alternative than dragging myself out of bed each day to University classes that can only be best described as "basic". I've been told that I could stick with it for three years and end up with a good, high degere at the end of it, but, I feel, at the cost of my little remaining sanity and strangely enough some of my brain cells. There is an elementary difference between easy, and downright boring.
So as such I am thinking through my options. I can transfer course at Southampton, drop out and get a job and look at different Uni's around the country again, or get a job and go to ARU. Over the next few days my aim is to have decided which of these three options I am going to go with.
Finally I must mention Ted's party on Saturday, which was a lot of fun. I just wish I had been able to eat more. Though stressful for my parents and Brenda, I'm sure everyone had a lot of fun as we usually do with these kinds of parties. And Kelly even had friends over later in the evening to save her from socialising with the older people as I had to. My dropping out and Uni course was the hot topic, but luckily I was in a very talkative mood given that my time at University is void of intelligent conversation; so that when I'm home I seem to crave it, which is dead unusual for me.
'Always look on the bright side of life, always look on the light side of life.'
-Ross
Tuesday 20 October 2009
Did you Really Think that this War would End Wars?
"I don't really wanna live this life..."
I've realised that sitting at my desk typing, with my headphones around my neck playing music at me seems to only insert song lyrics into my head as I type. So if today's post seems fragmented, you know why.
"Please leave your memories at the door, why has the world gone off and desserted me? Oh there's no room within these walls..."
Point and case. Anyway, I decided I'd do a perspective of my day while in a more optimistic mood. Today's weather was, well, right now it's perfect. For me at least. It's cloudy and grey, but you can see distinct differences in the clouds, as opposed to those days where the sky is a sprawling mass of grey; as such the sun is allowed to shine through a little, giving everything a slight glow due to the puddles and sheen of water covering everything. The rain has varied from nothing to a reasonable shower: neither of which bother me due to my natural umbrella. The temperature is cool, not cold. Just right.
But I digress, I only had one class today, and without Daniel my trip there and back was quiet and meditative, filled with music instead of inane chatter and: "She's got noice arse." or "Her boobs are popping outta 'er top, you see?" I think some of my brain cells are returning to work as usual, and isn't simply thinking up sarcastic comments to throw back at him.
My class was only 2/3 full, maybe a slight shower seems to scare people off, or maybe they're ill. Both equally possible. While Andy spent a minute or two struggling to find the light switch for the white board, which even my other classmates had noticed before him, probably easier from their perspective. Bemused with the spectacle I pointed it out to him and we carried on with another powerpoint. Business as usual.
We trawled through people's submitted work for last week's assignment which weren't all that bad, just uninteresting to me and everyone else. I zoned out for a little while 'til Andy pointed out a semi-colon in someone's work where a colon should've been.
Now, it might just be me, but I'm quite aware the semi-colon is one of the English language's biggest hurdles - I was taught about it in Year 4 but at that point in my life it went straight over my head...but by the time I began A-Levels I was pretty sure of it's use: "Big Paws" as Andy put it. The image of a lion ravaging someone's face instantly came to mind, but I shoved that thought to the back of my head, as, to my actual surprise, he had to explain to the whole class what a semi-colon was and how it was used...having brought up the fact that it was a 'big pause' (in my words) I thought that'd be it, but apparently even my classmates seem to struggle with this concept and we spent a full 6 or 7 minutes on the subject, before moving on.
So, as I seek to prove, even in my more optimistic mood, I am not milking this. I think I could be more motivated if I was back at my first year of Sixth Form, it would've been more intense work (which isn't saying much, since my first year at Sixth Form was mostly coasting and socialising, as well as playing Pool every other night) and probably a lot more fun. Though I guess I'm going to have to tough it out a few more weeks at least, maybe then I'll be able to prove that this is a pointless waste of my time, spending a year doing these "catch-up" activities might just make me throw myself out of my window. Not in depression, but just in sure frustration at the child-like standard of teaching I'm being subjected to, simply for the benefit of the dim-witted among my classmates.
"For how long will you try? How long until you walk away? Your facade can't hide that you're in misery."
-Ross
I've realised that sitting at my desk typing, with my headphones around my neck playing music at me seems to only insert song lyrics into my head as I type. So if today's post seems fragmented, you know why.
"Please leave your memories at the door, why has the world gone off and desserted me? Oh there's no room within these walls..."
Point and case. Anyway, I decided I'd do a perspective of my day while in a more optimistic mood. Today's weather was, well, right now it's perfect. For me at least. It's cloudy and grey, but you can see distinct differences in the clouds, as opposed to those days where the sky is a sprawling mass of grey; as such the sun is allowed to shine through a little, giving everything a slight glow due to the puddles and sheen of water covering everything. The rain has varied from nothing to a reasonable shower: neither of which bother me due to my natural umbrella. The temperature is cool, not cold. Just right.
But I digress, I only had one class today, and without Daniel my trip there and back was quiet and meditative, filled with music instead of inane chatter and: "She's got noice arse." or "Her boobs are popping outta 'er top, you see?" I think some of my brain cells are returning to work as usual, and isn't simply thinking up sarcastic comments to throw back at him.
My class was only 2/3 full, maybe a slight shower seems to scare people off, or maybe they're ill. Both equally possible. While Andy spent a minute or two struggling to find the light switch for the white board, which even my other classmates had noticed before him, probably easier from their perspective. Bemused with the spectacle I pointed it out to him and we carried on with another powerpoint. Business as usual.
We trawled through people's submitted work for last week's assignment which weren't all that bad, just uninteresting to me and everyone else. I zoned out for a little while 'til Andy pointed out a semi-colon in someone's work where a colon should've been.
Now, it might just be me, but I'm quite aware the semi-colon is one of the English language's biggest hurdles - I was taught about it in Year 4 but at that point in my life it went straight over my head...but by the time I began A-Levels I was pretty sure of it's use: "Big Paws" as Andy put it. The image of a lion ravaging someone's face instantly came to mind, but I shoved that thought to the back of my head, as, to my actual surprise, he had to explain to the whole class what a semi-colon was and how it was used...having brought up the fact that it was a 'big pause' (in my words) I thought that'd be it, but apparently even my classmates seem to struggle with this concept and we spent a full 6 or 7 minutes on the subject, before moving on.
So, as I seek to prove, even in my more optimistic mood, I am not milking this. I think I could be more motivated if I was back at my first year of Sixth Form, it would've been more intense work (which isn't saying much, since my first year at Sixth Form was mostly coasting and socialising, as well as playing Pool every other night) and probably a lot more fun. Though I guess I'm going to have to tough it out a few more weeks at least, maybe then I'll be able to prove that this is a pointless waste of my time, spending a year doing these "catch-up" activities might just make me throw myself out of my window. Not in depression, but just in sure frustration at the child-like standard of teaching I'm being subjected to, simply for the benefit of the dim-witted among my classmates.
"For how long will you try? How long until you walk away? Your facade can't hide that you're in misery."
-Ross
Monday 19 October 2009
Getting Down
"There must be SOMETHING good about Uni, surely?"
"...No."
I know I haven't posted in a long while, and I guess I should use this more as an outlet than anything now, since Journalism's lost it's allure to me, as has the course itself. 4th week and it's still introductory slideshows, this is starting to get old...
Right now I want to be home, somewhere safe so I can recoup my loses and figure out how to regroup and make another attempt at this portion of my life. Just being here though...doesn't fill me with confidence. Things are far from getting better.
Just the same as before, the only things I have to look forward to are coming home, and the occasional meetings with my Uncle.
And before I'm told I'm still doing nothing, I tried to be more social...now I'm stuck in a "friendship group" where the guys are crowding me, always asking me about my opinion of girls in magazines asking if I'd do her or if she's hot, and they still have no common interests with me, just now I feel scared to go to Uni...result.
Now I'm scared to even go out of my little room, though my food's stopped disappearing from the fridge...but, right now...I just want to be home. Christmas seems a long way away...too far away. I'm struggling to think if I can survive two weeks, let alone just under 2 months...I think it's best I don't think about that.
And my interview with my tutor seems to be non existant...I still haven't been emailed back about it, 5 days later, and she seemed to be purposefully avoiding me in class today. Right now I just want to be away from this and everything. I'm not saying I think it'll all be stress-free...I'm just saying this is most definately not what I want to be doing. I'm completely sure of that now...
-Ross
"...No."
I know I haven't posted in a long while, and I guess I should use this more as an outlet than anything now, since Journalism's lost it's allure to me, as has the course itself. 4th week and it's still introductory slideshows, this is starting to get old...
Right now I want to be home, somewhere safe so I can recoup my loses and figure out how to regroup and make another attempt at this portion of my life. Just being here though...doesn't fill me with confidence. Things are far from getting better.
Just the same as before, the only things I have to look forward to are coming home, and the occasional meetings with my Uncle.
And before I'm told I'm still doing nothing, I tried to be more social...now I'm stuck in a "friendship group" where the guys are crowding me, always asking me about my opinion of girls in magazines asking if I'd do her or if she's hot, and they still have no common interests with me, just now I feel scared to go to Uni...result.
Now I'm scared to even go out of my little room, though my food's stopped disappearing from the fridge...but, right now...I just want to be home. Christmas seems a long way away...too far away. I'm struggling to think if I can survive two weeks, let alone just under 2 months...I think it's best I don't think about that.
And my interview with my tutor seems to be non existant...I still haven't been emailed back about it, 5 days later, and she seemed to be purposefully avoiding me in class today. Right now I just want to be away from this and everything. I'm not saying I think it'll all be stress-free...I'm just saying this is most definately not what I want to be doing. I'm completely sure of that now...
-Ross
Tuesday 13 October 2009
Bleh
Sorta describes my mood today, suffice to say though minorly constructive it wasn't the best of days I've ever had. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.
-Ross
-Ross
Sunday 11 October 2009
Double Whammy
Staring at the rugged skyline, which anywhere but England could resemble mountains, but here it was just masses of clouds, I realised something...I'm 18, this is my life, to live how I want to...and I've realised that I really don't like University life.
You're probably thinking: "Ross you've just come back to Uni after a weekend at home, of course you're going to be homesick." But it's more than that...just the thought of three more years of school just...I can't think how I'd handle it. I can't even remember my classes three years ago...I barely remember my first year of Sixth Form. And considering I don't like this place all that much...three years is more than I could feasibly imagine staying here...
I've also realised I don't really want to become a journalist...not right now anyway. The appeal has just died for me. What I really want to do is...get a job. I want to get out into the real world, being here isn't the real world it's just like being at a boarding school. The real world isn't communal showers and kitchens, even the worst flats have kitchens and their own shower.
Long story short, as many have you have probably already guessed is...I want to drop out. I want to get a job, and I mean really want to get a job. As much as I enjoyed my 2 months summer holiday...it was incredibly boring. I'd be content with a 9 to 5 job, even if it was lousy pay...just because I'd feel it'd be so much more rewarding than being here. School isn't rewarding to me as much anymore...I think I've outgrown it, or I haven't grown into it yet; I never can tell.
But I know this is nowhere near as easy as it sounds...first of all my parents have paid for a whole year of accomodation, so if I dropped out they'd lose out financially...and if I was living at home they'd lose out even more, but I'd do my best to pay them back for their investment...and I also would prove that it's not just a whim thing and that I really do want to change my life path...my family are coming to visit me in just under 3 weeks time...if by then, I still feel miserable and don't want to carry on, I reserve the right to request to be taken home with my stuff that weekend.
Though I assume this is going to be discussed tomorrow.
-Ross
You're probably thinking: "Ross you've just come back to Uni after a weekend at home, of course you're going to be homesick." But it's more than that...just the thought of three more years of school just...I can't think how I'd handle it. I can't even remember my classes three years ago...I barely remember my first year of Sixth Form. And considering I don't like this place all that much...three years is more than I could feasibly imagine staying here...
I've also realised I don't really want to become a journalist...not right now anyway. The appeal has just died for me. What I really want to do is...get a job. I want to get out into the real world, being here isn't the real world it's just like being at a boarding school. The real world isn't communal showers and kitchens, even the worst flats have kitchens and their own shower.
Long story short, as many have you have probably already guessed is...I want to drop out. I want to get a job, and I mean really want to get a job. As much as I enjoyed my 2 months summer holiday...it was incredibly boring. I'd be content with a 9 to 5 job, even if it was lousy pay...just because I'd feel it'd be so much more rewarding than being here. School isn't rewarding to me as much anymore...I think I've outgrown it, or I haven't grown into it yet; I never can tell.
But I know this is nowhere near as easy as it sounds...first of all my parents have paid for a whole year of accomodation, so if I dropped out they'd lose out financially...and if I was living at home they'd lose out even more, but I'd do my best to pay them back for their investment...and I also would prove that it's not just a whim thing and that I really do want to change my life path...my family are coming to visit me in just under 3 weeks time...if by then, I still feel miserable and don't want to carry on, I reserve the right to request to be taken home with my stuff that weekend.
Though I assume this is going to be discussed tomorrow.
-Ross
Saturday 10 October 2009
Better Late than Never...
Let it never be said that I don't write my blog...even if it's a little late. Tomorrow's will most likely be late as well since I'll be out with Ben and others celebrating...why do you ask? Well because I'll be home (we don't tend to need much of a reason to go drinking).
Anyway, here's hoping everyone else has as good a weekend as I'm hopefully going to have.
-Ross
Anyway, here's hoping everyone else has as good a weekend as I'm hopefully going to have.
-Ross
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