Let's Make Believe...

'Words like violence, break the silence; come crashing in, into my little world...'

Apologies for the delay in posting, the last half a week has been very busy, well, not busy as such; more eventful than anything.

Since my last post I appear to have come down with oesophogitis, meaning that I find myself short of breath and suffer chest pain whenever I try to consume liquids or solids. I spent 4 hours of Sunday in accident and emergency, being tested for heart problems, blood clots and the like. All the tests came up negative so the only thing that the doctor could think that it was was said oesophogitis. Though far from pleasant, it was the better alternative (other possibilities were a popped lung, pancreatitis or a heart attack) so I can count myself lucky on one count. On the other hand, there is no drugs for it; I was told that I was to avoid alchohol, non-basic foods and to take only paracetamol (as ibuprofen and other such painkillers are inflamatory, which is the last thing I need with a restricted windpipe) and to wait a few weeks and hopefully it'll go away.

As such, I missed my coach on the Sunday and am still home, which brings me on to my other major point: I'm essentially a University drop-out now.

I've spent the last couple of days looking at jobs in the newspaper and online, while at the same time looking at courses at ARU (Anglia Ruskin University, my local Uni) to take next school year. While getting a job in these hard times is going to be a trial, it's still a better alternative than dragging myself out of bed each day to University classes that can only be best described as "basic". I've been told that I could stick with it for three years and end up with a good, high degere at the end of it, but, I feel, at the cost of my little remaining sanity and strangely enough some of my brain cells. There is an elementary difference between easy, and downright boring.

So as such I am thinking through my options. I can transfer course at Southampton, drop out and get a job and look at different Uni's around the country again, or get a job and go to ARU. Over the next few days my aim is to have decided which of these three options I am going to go with.

Finally I must mention Ted's party on Saturday, which was a lot of fun. I just wish I had been able to eat more. Though stressful for my parents and Brenda, I'm sure everyone had a lot of fun as we usually do with these kinds of parties. And Kelly even had friends over later in the evening to save her from socialising with the older people as I had to. My dropping out and Uni course was the hot topic, but luckily I was in a very talkative mood given that my time at University is void of intelligent conversation; so that when I'm home I seem to crave it, which is dead unusual for me.

'Always look on the bright side of life, always look on the light side of life.'

-Ross

Did you Really Think that this War would End Wars?

"I don't really wanna live this life..."

I've realised that sitting at my desk typing, with my headphones around my neck playing music at me seems to only insert song lyrics into my head as I type. So if today's post seems fragmented, you know why.

"Please leave your memories at the door, why has the world gone off and desserted me? Oh there's no room within these walls..."

Point and case. Anyway, I decided I'd do a perspective of my day while in a more optimistic mood. Today's weather was, well, right now it's perfect. For me at least. It's cloudy and grey, but you can see distinct differences in the clouds, as opposed to those days where the sky is a sprawling mass of grey; as such the sun is allowed to shine through a little, giving everything a slight glow due to the puddles and sheen of water covering everything. The rain has varied from nothing to a reasonable shower: neither of which bother me due to my natural umbrella. The temperature is cool, not cold. Just right.

But I digress, I only had one class today, and without Daniel my trip there and back was quiet and meditative, filled with music instead of inane chatter and: "She's got noice arse." or "Her boobs are popping outta 'er top, you see?" I think some of my brain cells are returning to work as usual, and isn't simply thinking up sarcastic comments to throw back at him.

My class was only 2/3 full, maybe a slight shower seems to scare people off, or maybe they're ill. Both equally possible. While Andy spent a minute or two struggling to find the light switch for the white board, which even my other classmates had noticed before him, probably easier from their perspective. Bemused with the spectacle I pointed it out to him and we carried on with another powerpoint. Business as usual.

We trawled through people's submitted work for last week's assignment which weren't all that bad, just uninteresting to me and everyone else. I zoned out for a little while 'til Andy pointed out a semi-colon in someone's work where a colon should've been.

Now, it might just be me, but I'm quite aware the semi-colon is one of the English language's biggest hurdles - I was taught about it in Year 4 but at that point in my life it went straight over my head...but by the time I began A-Levels I was pretty sure of it's use: "Big Paws" as Andy put it. The image of a lion ravaging someone's face instantly came to mind, but I shoved that thought to the back of my head, as, to my actual surprise, he had to explain to the whole class what a semi-colon was and how it was used...having brought up the fact that it was a 'big pause' (in my words) I thought that'd be it, but apparently even my classmates seem to struggle with this concept and we spent a full 6 or 7 minutes on the subject, before moving on.

So, as I seek to prove, even in my more optimistic mood, I am not milking this. I think I could be more motivated if I was back at my first year of Sixth Form, it would've been more intense work (which isn't saying much, since my first year at Sixth Form was mostly coasting and socialising, as well as playing Pool every other night) and probably a lot more fun. Though I guess I'm going to have to tough it out a few more weeks at least, maybe then I'll be able to prove that this is a pointless waste of my time, spending a year doing these "catch-up" activities might just make me throw myself out of my window. Not in depression, but just in sure frustration at the child-like standard of teaching I'm being subjected to, simply for the benefit of the dim-witted among my classmates.

"For how long will you try? How long until you walk away? Your facade can't hide that you're in misery."

-Ross

Getting Down

"There must be SOMETHING good about Uni, surely?"
"...No."

I know I haven't posted in a long while, and I guess I should use this more as an outlet than anything now, since Journalism's lost it's allure to me, as has the course itself. 4th week and it's still introductory slideshows, this is starting to get old...

Right now I want to be home, somewhere safe so I can recoup my loses and figure out how to regroup and make another attempt at this portion of my life. Just being here though...doesn't fill me with confidence. Things are far from getting better.

Just the same as before, the only things I have to look forward to are coming home, and the occasional meetings with my Uncle.

And before I'm told I'm still doing nothing, I tried to be more social...now I'm stuck in a "friendship group" where the guys are crowding me, always asking me about my opinion of girls in magazines asking if I'd do her or if she's hot, and they still have no common interests with me, just now I feel scared to go to Uni...result.

Now I'm scared to even go out of my little room, though my food's stopped disappearing from the fridge...but, right now...I just want to be home. Christmas seems a long way away...too far away. I'm struggling to think if I can survive two weeks, let alone just under 2 months...I think it's best I don't think about that.

And my interview with my tutor seems to be non existant...I still haven't been emailed back about it, 5 days later, and she seemed to be purposefully avoiding me in class today. Right now I just want to be away from this and everything. I'm not saying I think it'll all be stress-free...I'm just saying this is most definately not what I want to be doing. I'm completely sure of that now...

-Ross

Bleh

Sorta describes my mood today, suffice to say though minorly constructive it wasn't the best of days I've ever had. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

-Ross

Double Whammy

Staring at the rugged skyline, which anywhere but England could resemble mountains, but here it was just masses of clouds, I realised something...I'm 18, this is my life, to live how I want to...and I've realised that I really don't like University life.

You're probably thinking: "Ross you've just come back to Uni after a weekend at home, of course you're going to be homesick." But it's more than that...just the thought of three more years of school just...I can't think how I'd handle it. I can't even remember my classes three years ago...I barely remember my first year of Sixth Form. And considering I don't like this place all that much...three years is more than I could feasibly imagine staying here...

I've also realised I don't really want to become a journalist...not right now anyway. The appeal has just died for me. What I really want to do is...get a job. I want to get out into the real world, being here isn't the real world it's just like being at a boarding school. The real world isn't communal showers and kitchens, even the worst flats have kitchens and their own shower.

Long story short, as many have you have probably already guessed is...I want to drop out. I want to get a job, and I mean really want to get a job. As much as I enjoyed my 2 months summer holiday...it was incredibly boring. I'd be content with a 9 to 5 job, even if it was lousy pay...just because I'd feel it'd be so much more rewarding than being here. School isn't rewarding to me as much anymore...I think I've outgrown it, or I haven't grown into it yet; I never can tell.

But I know this is nowhere near as easy as it sounds...first of all my parents have paid for a whole year of accomodation, so if I dropped out they'd lose out financially...and if I was living at home they'd lose out even more, but I'd do my best to pay them back for their investment...and I also would prove that it's not just a whim thing and that I really do want to change my life path...my family are coming to visit me in just under 3 weeks time...if by then, I still feel miserable and don't want to carry on, I reserve the right to request to be taken home with my stuff that weekend.

Though I assume this is going to be discussed tomorrow.

-Ross

Better Late than Never...

Let it never be said that I don't write my blog...even if it's a little late. Tomorrow's will most likely be late as well since I'll be out with Ben and others celebrating...why do you ask? Well because I'll be home (we don't tend to need much of a reason to go drinking).

Anyway, here's hoping everyone else has as good a weekend as I'm hopefully going to have.

-Ross

The Home Stretch

Lying in bed I stared at the ceiling and cringed, even the slighest movement of my lower body made my feet hurt like hell. Power walking for an hour a day is more than I need...and it wasn't even intended that way, it was just my trip to school.

As such I am tired, still slightly ill (though seeing definate signs of recovery) and sore, so this post shall not be very long. Suffice to say today was interesting, even if it didn't turn out to be very constructive. We only managed to get on vox pop in Broadcast Journalism, and our seminar on History and Politics of UK journalism was lacking due to the fact that there was confusion in regards to the homework and where to find it on the website.

Other than that it's just another day in the life, but as the weekend creeps closer I'm kept hopeful. It's the little things we look forward to, and the bigger things even more so.

-Ross

"I was going to hire the Jimmy Hendrix Tribute Band, but I decided to hire The Plonkers instead..."

'Help the Aged, we will.' said the van as it went past, and as much as I hate to admit it I frowned and thought: "Why?" - because one day I'll be old too...but then, you ask the old to help the young and why? Because they were young once too...one day I'll have been everything, not necessarily at the same time though.

And unusually, for me, I am writing this first part of my blog at 11:15am. My morning classes are finished, and the only thing left for me today is a guest speaker from 5-7 tonight: the BBC's terrorism expert or something to that effect, I'll elaborate later on. I'm still struggling with my cold, having seemed to have developed a dry cough, which while in a lecture is a dreadful curse. Despite my early start (many still scoff at my 9am start) I'm more or less done for the day; but there's something unfair about not being able to relax for my 5 hour break simply due to the fact that I know I'm not finished yet. Annoying to say the least.

---

The talk was in fact very informative and amusing, and despite it being scheduled for 2 hours, it lasted only 45 minutes. However I still got caught in very heavy rain on the way there, and sitting in a lecture theatre literally dripping wet is not a pleasant experience.

The speaker's name (Peter Power) was also quite amusing, and aside from the fact that it was advertised by the University staff as "a talk on terrorism" very little was said on that particular subject, more was said about crises management, which means as much to you as it does to me.

-Ross

Shrug off the Cold

Laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, I realised I was glad that today I had no classes. All in all though, despite chugging paracetamol whenever possible I still feel lousy. And aside from doing my laundry properly this week, nothing much else of interest has happened to me.

It rained again, and oddly I like the rain (being British if I didn't like the rain to a certain extent I'd be a bit stuffed) s0 it doesn't bother me too much on days like this. Mainly I'm just looking forward to Friday and the weekend. Because tomorrow and Thursday are early starts and it's morale-shattering to get up so early for me. Friday I go shooting with Malcolm (if I'm not too ill, which hopefully I'm not) and Saturday I go home. To home-cooked meals, home-washed laundry and my own bed. Oh lord how I need that bed.

-Ross

A Million Miles an Hour

Somedays some people just make you frustrated, never more so than when you're ill, and people around you seem to be going at the speed of light. When you feel like taking things slow and steady, they're OCDing about getting somewhere fast, despite the fact that there's no need to. Well today was one of those days.

Despite this Uni wasn't too bad today: my last lesson was cancelled because Andy's got the Swine Flu, and thus I've since discovered my only lesson tomorrow is also cancelled. Whoop to lessons being cancelled but not whoop to him having the flu, not fun. Anyway, in today's "Inside Multimedia News" lecture nothing amazingly interesting happened. The specifics of our semester project which looks fairly easy: a 650 word article with 2 interviews, pictures and is to be based on a magazine format of our choice. We'd been told about this project this time last week, and I'd tinkered with the idea of the title of "Violence in Video Games" but decided to buy an NME and write an article on the "Teach Yourself to Play" culture in music these days. Nothing's set in stone however, so I can always change my mind within the next week or so if I want to.

My second lecture however was a lot more interesting. The guest speaker was Dr. Martin James, a music journalist turned lecturer. What he said was very interesting and spoke to me. I didn't realise how much contact music journalists got with the musicians themselves, some of the people he's met are once in a life time opportunities, and he got paid to do it too. I'll ask Julia on Wednesday for his contact details, as he said he was going to take a group of students to a festival in the near future to interview some of the acts. I think this could definately be the course for me.

My only other thing of noticeable mention today is my 4 hour stint on Photoshop when I got home. As you've probably noticed the two pictures at the top and been wondering what they are and why they're there, I shall enlighten you. They're pictures of my and my friend Matt's WoW characters. Sad I admit, but I wanted something to do on photoshop so I thought I might as well. They're icon sized for MSN or whatever messenger, as this was what I intended them for. As you can see, the purple and green one was the practice one (mine) and the red and black one was the result of experience (Matt's). Overall I'm very happy with Matt's, mostly due to his choice of pose. The "mugshot" actually works very well and I think if I ever decide to redo my character, or do another (several of Matt's college friends are pining for one of their own now) I'll use this pose for them. All in all a pretty constructive day for a sickie, don't you think?

-Ross

"I Can't let you go Hungry..."

I looked at the woman at the till in my blank, delirious sort of manner. As you do when you've stumbled down to the shops to buy food when you'd really rather be in bed feeling sorry for yourself. I'd taken £100 out of my wallet, thinking I wouldn't need anywhere near that much, and had in fact taken too much out instead...so I was 20p short of the £16.79 I owed her for my various food/medicinal products. I think every till workers worst nightmare (the prospect of the customer having to put something back and screw up the whole line) made her do it more than anything else. Remind me to donate (at least) 20p to charity in return for that favour.

I'm also aware that over the weekend my posts have been...lacking. But I guess that was due mostly to illness and forgetfulness. Both of which are reoccuring features of my personality and/or day-to-day life, and both of which are more than fairly annoying. Not just for me, but for anyone who comes into contact with me.

I attribute my current illness to Fresher's Flu. I don't have the flu, but I'm sure I have a cold. The major difference (to me) being that flu gives you an excuse to stay home and feel sorry for yourself there, but a cold gives you no such excuse and people expect you to soldier on and pretend you don't feel like your head's full of hot cotton wool. What's worse is that there's no real cure for the common cold, although I am aware you can get cold and flu tablets (but what these tablets do is a mystery to me).

As some of you may or may not know, I have a thing against medicine and doctors. Either it's a psychological 'don't like to succumb to the weakness of medicine unless i really have to' thing, or whether I just don't like the taste is still undecided. For the most part I only take meds when I simply can't go on, or when I need them to function. Here, at University, I have to take meds more often than I would at home. There's no one here to wait on you hand and foot while you lie in bed: here you're going it alone.

So far I seem to have succumbed to a cold at the same time that a major ulcer seems to have taken up residence in my mouth. Much fun, I've never had a major ulcer before, but on my excursion down to the shops I bought some bonjela, and that seems to have kicked it in it's proverbial balls for the most part, so I can once again eat without cringing at each bite.

Now, like any person I look forward to the next major "thing" in my life. Be that going out with friends on a Friday, or, in this case, going home for the weekend, we all slog through the trials of daily life looking forward to these few islands in the proverbial sea of monotony. And this one is no different. Having survived two weeks and a bit here at University by myself, nothing major has gone wrong (aside from the laundry fiasco, but we shan't speak any more of that). But I feel it's time to take a trip home, seeing my old friends again is actually at the bottom of my list of things I'm looking forward to. I suppose I should write out the list here, what the heck, it's my blog after all:

1. Mother's Cooking (in Halls by myself I really can't be bothered cooking/making anything that takes more than 10 minutes to prepare).
2. Family (social interaction with more than just my TV, and the few times I see my flatmates each day in passing or in the kitchen).
3. My Bed (this Uni bed is horribly small, hard and downright unpleasant).
4. A Dishwasher/Someone else doing my Laundry ('Nuf said really, I hate washing up and doing laundry, I don't think I ever took for granted all the work my Mother did each day at home before I left, but I'm sure I won't ever do it again).
5. Friends (as much as the people here are interesting and friendly, they're not my friends as such. Friends take a long time to develop and the only people who match that description are back home).

And there's the list. I'm sure I've missed off a few small points there, like Sky TV instead of Freeview (blasted Freeview) and just the general feel of being back home. There's a vast difference between my suburbian Cambridge home, and my inner-city Southampton Flat/Cubicle/Cell/Cupboard. All in all I shall look forward to the trip there and back, as well as the homecoming itself: conversations with my Uncle are always entertaining. I just hope I'm feeling a little bit less under the weather for when I go.

Oh yes, and I'll also be taking a big bag of laundry home with me. As much as I can carry, no sense wasting a valuable resource!

-Ross

"You know you haven't written your blog yet?"

...I stared at the screen and facepalmed. I hadn't done my blog today, again. Technically. Since yesterday I was legitamately tired, and am so now. But in all honesty very little happened to me today; aside from forgetting to buy Pineapple Juice and Fruit/Veg, so back to Tescos for me tomorrow.

That's all I have to say for today, tomorrow maybe something interesting will happen in my life.

-Ross

'If Guns are Outlawed, only Outlaws will have Guns'

Keeping it short but sweet today, being tired again and having spent my evening firing guns. Suffice to say a good day was had by all. I promise there'll be a better entry tomorrow!

-Ross

Missed by a Long Shot

"...screw it, I'm not going to make it in time for kickboxing." I shrugged to myself as I walked back to my flat from the middle of town with Dave, David and Dan (I appreciate being called Ross I sort of ruin that trend of Ds). It was another unnaturally sunny and warm day considering today was the the 1st of October; and usually by now most of England is 3ft under rain water.

It's odd how many more friends I've made lately, which is never a bad thing. I have yet to get to know them all that well, but I'm being more social and it seems to be paying off. When I brought up the subject of the weather (actually I don't think I did personally, but it was the subject at the time. We wouldn't be proper Englishmen if we didn't talk about the weather) I mentioned that Saturday's supposed to be back to the norm of heavy rain and that I might spend the day in the pub across the road; to which David said that if I did I should give him a call since he'd come join me in that case. Which was a lot better than I expected.

I'm also determined to do more than 3 paragraphs in a blog post, and I realise lately I've been neglecting my blogging responsibilities but I'm still trying to get used to "early" starts and the tiredness was catching up to me, and still is. Luckily though tomorrow I don't have classes 'til 11am, and finish at 1pm. So an incredibly easy day overall.

Nothing spectacular has happened as of late, though today I missed my kickboxing lesson, as my seminar beforehand ends 5 minutes after I need to arrive at the Sports Hall...10 minutes across town. So unless I had the assistance of a Time Machine, I would be unable to make the Thursday session of Kickboxing.

However, my teacher wants the seminar pushed back an hour, so that he can go home an hour earlier and we can finish classes an hour earlier. This would enable me to make my kickboxing lesson on Thursday. However only time will tell if this comes true.

Having written more than 3 paragraphs now, and still being quite exhausted from my week of classes I feel I shall bring this post to an end. Looking forward to going shooting with my Uncle tomorrow though, and also looking forward to my possible lie-in in the morning.

-Ross